The past few days have seen a 13% increase in the number of The Complete’s fans. That’s by far the biggest jump that we’ve ever had.
[If you’re one of the new people, hi! You’re awesome!]
Normally I can account for these things. For instance, when I did a radio interview a few months back the numbers jumped a little (although nowhere like they did this week). This time though I have no idea what prompted the increase. I ain’t complainin’, but consarnit I wanna know what’s going on.
That got me wondering. What happens if someday a lot of people know who I am? I have no idea how I’d react to that. Probably I’d be standing around, trying to look cool and a bird would crap on me or something. Such is life. I wonder if that ever happens to Bowie. Effin’ birds.
Anyway, welcome new friends and thanks for paying attention! That’s all I ask really.
I won’t disappoint.
Musicians are idiots (admit it). We learn the chords to “Wonderwall” and expect to be rewarded with genitals aplenty. Since that doesn’t happen, here’s some things that should:
1) Stop Sucking – I knew this guy who was “too much of a genius” to bother learning how to tune his guitar. He used to brag about it while chatting up girls at club shows. I’d say his name but you’ve never heard of him. Nor will you hear of him.
Take the time to be good at what you do. As long as they’re good at it, I’d rather see someone fart a song out of their arse than watch another mediocre singer/songwriter. There’s enough of those.
Be awesome and I’ll respect you. Be crap and join the pile of spammers, begging for likes. Speaking of which…
2) Stop Spamming – You should see the spam I get on Twitter. And Facebook. And email. If musicians weren’t so lazy, they’d be sending smoke signals all over the country “Vote for my band in some shitty internet contest!”
I’ll vote for your band if I think you’re amazing and I’m a die hard fan. Otherwise, that’s time I could be looking at naked people on the internet or something.
3) Stop Sounding Like Shit – You know those 4 full-sized Marshall stacks your guitarists have onstage at this little club? They look fecking awesome. Too bad they sound like shit. Small club = small amp. When you’re playing stadiums, then dig out the big boys.
I have seen hundreds and hundreds of bands, from the smallest club bands to stadium headliners…and almost every one of them sounded awful. Nine Inch Nails sounded good live. Jeff Beck sounded good live. Why? They actually spend time working on the way they sound. (I know, I know…you’re too much of a genius to bother with such trivialities. Show me again how to play Wonderwall.)
They also hire the best sound people in the business. If you can’t afford Bowie’s sound guys, then you can still take a bit of time to think about your guitar tone, your snare sound, your bass clarity. Take it seriously. If your band is all muffle-y then we can’t hear what you’re doing and we’re not gonna care.
4) Stop Getting Wasted Before You Play – Buy ticket to show. Band is wasted. Singer forgets words. Drummer out of time. Bass player staring down shirt of girl in front. Keyboard players falls off stage. Guitarist sits down to avoid the spins. (Seen it all, countless times.)
I want my money back. Wanna get wasted? Do it after the show, when you’re telling everyone how you’re too great to bother to learn how to tune.
5) Stop With The Unaccompanied Guitar Solos – Unless you’re someone like Steve Vai or Zakk Wylde, someone who we specifically see to hear the solos…then just don’t! Nobody wants to hear you noodle for 8 minutes. We’re there for your songs, not your solos. Half the 13 year old kids in the audience can outplay you, so don’t waste our time. If we wanted to see half-assed crap, we’d be at home on the toilet with a handheld mirror.
6) Stop Being Lazy Onstage – If I’m paying 50 (or 5) bucks to watch you play, I want to see you want to be there. If you’re too cool (or too hungover) to look like you’re having a good time, I won’t be seeing you next time you’re in town. You stare at your shoes and mumble into the mic. Green Day run around like escaped mental patients. Guess which one I’d see again?
7) Stop Whining About Other Musicians On The Internet – No.