Ahh My Virgin Eyes.

When musicians don’t have their mothers around to cook and clean up after them, they start behaving like idiots. I should know, I’ve been doing this since I was four. I have seen many things that human eyes were never meant to see.

A brief list (of the more PG stuff):

  • A band I know was sharing a rehearsal space with 2 other bands. They all hated each other so one day the singer from the first band started wiping his butt and rubbing it on the other bands’ stuff. All over the control knobs of amps, guitar-case handles, microphones, you name it. There was pink eye all around.
  • When I was a kid I played in marching bands. One time we were wearing old fashioned uniforms with a button flap thingy in the crotch. I told one of the other drummers that the flap was supposed to be open. The guy goes out on the floor in front of 10,000 people with his business flopping all around the side of his drum.
  • I saw someone get knocked out with a Telecaster across the lips.
  • I must have seen a hundred fist fights. They’re usually over money/girls/guys. One time I saw a girl beat the crap out of her boyfriend because another girl talked to him. It was unnnnnnpleasant.
  • I once saw a drummer poop in the bell of a trumpet.
  • That same drummer also peed in a pillow (don’t ask) and whipped it out the window of the bus at a guy on a bike. (What is it with drummers?)
  • I saw this guitarist I know steal the worst toilet seat you have ever seen in your life from some bar…and wear it around his neck for the rest of the evening. Yes, alcohol was a factor.

I got like a million ridiculous stories, those are just the first ones that come to mind (and are fit for public consumption). I will put the rest in book format at some point. Hilarity may ensue.

About Kevin Williams

Frontman of The Complete/Occasional Actor/Newfoundlander.

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