TMI Tuesday

And now, for TMI Tuesday:

I workout in the garage. My workout is called Crossfit. Every day you go to the website and do whatever it says. The workout yesterday was the snatch (ha ha I know, but bear with me. This is going somewhere). It’s this thing where you lift the bar off the floor and it ends up over your head. Cool, I thought, this’ll make me look like I know what I’m doing.

So I do a few practice runs with a broomhandle to get the motion down. Up to the hips, throw the bar up, get under it, stand up straight. Yeah, I got this. I’m so cool.

On to the bar then! Up to the hips, throw bar up, under it, stand straight up. Ok, it’s a little harder with some weight but I’ve got it. Give me a medal!

Now at the halfway point of the workout I’m way too cool to pay attention anymore. I’ve got this, it’s old hat by now. Let’s get this done and then it’s off to the movies with my friends!

Ah, hubris.

I lift the bar off the floor. The universe decides that I need a lesson in humility. The bar slams into my hips at the exact same moment my business flaps up from the movement. I take the bar right. in. the. bird. This is no glancing blow to the side, we’re talking head-on collision. Picture a baseball hitting the top end of a bat.

Bar hits the floor. My mind clears. Thoughts, fears, anxieties melt away. I empty the self. The world…is beautiful. Our lives, beautiful. People need to know this! In this moment I know my place in the universe. I know that I’m here to love, only love. Love my friends, my family, myself. Meet an amazing girl and love her like only I can. Have kids and raise them in a loving home. Let them know they can do anything, be anything. In this moment I see my life through space and time. In this moment…I touch the face of God himself.

The moment passes.

Agony? Pain? Mere words. There is no pain. There is no hurt. I do not feel these things…for I have become them. I AM pain! I am destruction! I am disease, despair, I am all the hate that humanity has ever dared inflict upon itself!

“I am become Death, Destroyer of Worlds.”

So I drop my pants in the garage and have a look see. Everything seems to be in order but I have to waddle around like that for a solid 10 minutes until I feel confident that the fabric of my underwear won’t initiate a state of shock when it touches my business again. Then it’s pants back up and walk that shit off. I even pee in the bushes to make sure that I CAN still pee in the bushes.

Anyway no damage done. Now I can get back to all the sex I’m not having.

And that, dear friends, is TMI Tuesday.

(As for the movies? Prometheus was good. Go see it.)


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About Kevin Williams

Frontman of The Complete/Occasional Actor/Newfoundlander.

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